Four Ideas For Reducing Conflicts In Your Family

 

Are your kids driving you crazy with bickering and fighting?

First of all...lest you think I have a perfectly peaceful family; you should know that one of my daughters (I have five) unleashed a pot into her sisters face one day. Yes, there was blood!

What can we as parents do to reduce these conflicts? I have some ideas.

1.  Start with you.

Like so many other family issues it's best to look at your own influence first. As a parent you should see yourself as the "tone setter" in your home. This is a good one to pray about. "Lord, help me be a  good example for my children."

Then ask yourself these questions as a self-check concerning how you are handling conflict.
Do I have ongoing conflict with my spouse that needs to get resolved?
Do I lash out when I am faced with a disagreement?
Do I use anger or manipulation to get my way?

Self evaluation takes maturity. Be honest with yourself and with the Lord about the influence you are having on your kids. God never shows us our shortcomings without providing the ability to change. You can pray for God's help with confidence because He loves fixing our hearts. That's what the whole, Jesus dying for our sins, thing is about.

You can also check with your spouse. It's a bold move, but asking your spouse how you are doing with handling conflict can lead to some healthy conversation.

When you are handling conflict in constructive ways you will become the "tone setter" your kids need.

2.  Make your home a more peaceful place.

There are lot's of things you can do to provide a more peaceful environment for your family. Here are three possibilities.

Get everyone in the family to help keep a clean and tidy house. Walking into the house when things are "in order" gives a whole different feeling than when things are a mess. My wife and I have never been very picky about our house. We do however, maintain a reasonable standard of cleanliness and order. It helps create a peaceful tone!

Get your kids to help you plan some fun activities. If the kids help with the planning it will increase their "buy in". Be sure the activities are interactive. You may have to work hard at this in the beginning. Don't give up if the kids start fighting. Let them know you don't  want anyone ruining the fun we planned together.

A little fun is better than no fun so even if you are only partly successful, celebrate it as a win.

 Laughter diffuses a lot of bad feelings so find ways to cheer things up. Use your imagination on this one. Here is a short list.

• Rent a comedy movie.
• There are some great Christian comedians out there. (You can find them online.) Try this sample: Tim Hawkins
• Throw a party. (No specific reason needed.)
• Look at old family photos or videos. (That's always good for a few laughs.)
• Cheer up your house with some seasonal decorations. (I admit this is not my thing but I support my wife all the way.)

Years ago my family was camping at a State Park at the beach. I was reading to the kids from a "Hank the Cow Dog" book. It was late in the evening and we were all laughing hysterically when someone suddenly knocked on the camper door. We had been laughing so loudly that we thought the Park Ranger was there to scold us. Turns out it was just a tornado in the area. We rolled in the awning and kept reading and laughing. Great memory!

Practicing cheerfulness as a daily habit is a great way to reduce friction in the family.

3.  Teach your children to act generously, not selfishly. 

Lets face it, most conflicts start with one or both people wanting their own way. It's good old fashioned selfishness. For the most part our little ones take to selfishness like a pig takes to slop. (We talk like that in West Virginia) That's something you don't have to teach them.

If you can reduce the selfishness you can reduce the conflict.

A wise parent will encourage "sharing" and other forms of generosity. You want your kids to learn early that getting everything they want is unrealistic and selfish. Teach them to consider the feelings of others. Teach them that other people are important too.

Reward your children with praise when they put the interest of a sibling above their own. Make sure your kids notice how much more peaceful things are when they are looking out for each other.

4.  Teach your children to resolve their own conflicts.

As parents, we should use some of our kid's fights as teachable moments.

"But Tim, I don't know many adults who are good at resolving conflicts, let alone children."

You're right! We should start with ourselves. We need to master the art of conflict resolution and then teach our children this crucial life skill.

So what do you do when Grouchy Gary and Jumpy Johnny are going head to head? How do you teach them to work-out a solution?

 You may need to provide a little separation at first. After you get them simmered down try following these guidelines for making peace.

•       Give both children a chance to say what they are upset about.

 Right or wrong, make sure they both get to express their side of the argument. This will give them practice  expressing their emotions appropriately. It will also teach them that it's good to listen to others even when you don't agree with them.

Don't expect perfection. Teach them to communicate in respectful ways. Name calling or degrading the other person should not be tolerated. Strong emotion is acceptable as long as it isn't used as a weapon.

•      Give each child a chance to respond to the others concern.

This may lead back into blaming and arguing. Stick with it. One at a time, keep them focused on addressing the other persons concerns.

 In most conflicts both parties share some of the blame. This is a good time to help your kids understand that whether they bear 10% or 90% of the blame they should take responsibility for their part. 

•   Teach your children the value of saying "I'm sorry" and admitting, "I was wrong."

Someone has said that these are some of the hardest words in the English language. Do your children know how to apologize? Can they admit to being "wrong"?

 Don't force this when there is no feeling behind it. Teach them to be sincere if they use these words.

Every problem doesn't have to be solved "right now". You may need to postpone the conversation and come back to it later. Be sure everyone knows that your expectation is for the conflict to get resolved as soon as possible.

•  Have them make amends if it is necessary.

Sometimes one or both parties may need to fix something they did to offend the other person. For example if Grouchy Gary took Jumpy Johnny's light saber, he will need to return it.

If Johnny punched Gary in the head, he won't be able to take it back but he can apologize.

•  Teach them to forgive and move on without bad feelings.

This is the final stage of conflict resolution.

Jesus talked about forgiving "from the heart". That's what we want our children to learn and practice. Don't tolerate pouting after amends have been made.

 What greater life skill can we give our children than the ability to successfully navigate their differences with others? We can make our families and the world a better place!!!