Should we expect them to obey?
If you ever want to stir up an argument just get a few parents in one room and bring up the topic of discipline or strictness. You are likely to hear vastly different opinions. I'm not talking about weakly held opinions. You may see some lips curling and nostrils flaring. (If a fist fight breaks out call 911!)
Some take the side of strictness and believe in exerting lots of control over their kids. Others, think their children should make their own choices and obedience is not really mandatory.
Most of us have questioned..."Am I being too strict with my kids?" or..."Am I being too permissive?"
Let me start by saying...
I have no doubt that our modern American culture has leaned too far in the direction of permissiveness.
Parents often feel guilty if they try setting firm limits for their children. We are expected to always "be nice" to our kids. "Don't get angry"...Don't yell"...and for goodness sake "Don't spank."
There are a small percentage out there who are overly strict and controlling. Honestly, I haven't met many in this category. I have met far more whose parenting is overly passive.
So...what is Setting Firm Limits all about?
Setting firm limits is helping your children understand there are certain boundaries that are not optional. In the same way that guard rails on a highway help keep cars in a safer zone of operation firm limits help keep your children from drifting into areas that could wreak their lives.
Many parents build a fence around their yard or play area for their kids. The fence creates a safer living space than the rest of the neighborhood. Parents should learn to use firm limits to create a safety zone for their offspring.
So lets think of firm limits as a fence. There are two main considerations. First, what will you keep outside the enclosure? Second, how strong will your fence be?
What should be outside the enclosure?
Mom's and dads need to discuss issues which they consider important to the well being of their children's future. What "bad" paths do you want your children to avoid?
I have five beautiful daughters. We live in a culture that prizes beauty and gives special favor to those who possess it. But physical beauty has many pitfalls. My wife and I set a few firm limits about clothing and modesty. We considered burkas but didn't go that far.
As a parent have you given thought to things that you want to protect your children from?
God's number one command to children is "Obey your parents...". Children who obey their parents are safer and more successful in life than those who are disobedient.
The path of disobedience leads a child down a difficult and dangerous path. Have you made obedience a firm limit for your kids? "No" means "No" is a good place to start.
How strong is your fence?
No matter what dangers you try to help your children avoid, if your fence isn't strong enough you won't be able to protect them. Some children are very compliant but some will hammer away at the fence until they can get to the supposed freedom outside your fence.
Consider the following questions:
- Have you explained the importance of obedience to your kids?
- Do you require them to obey the first time?
- Do you have a plan for consequences if your child persists in disobedience?
- Are you and your spouse "together" on the expectation for obedience?
- Do you and your spouse support each other when your children disobey?
- Do you give in to your kids because it's too hard to get them to obey?
- Do you allow your child to manipulate you with temper tantrums?
Don't forget to balance your parenting.
Setting firm limits is just one aspect of good parenting. Don't forget to balance it with providing tender touch and teaching personal responsibility. Kids don't respond appropriately to firm limits if the other aspects are not equally emphasized.
Right now some of you are probably wondering about spanking. I'll talk about that in my next article. Dr. Phil says no. I only partly agree.
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