Five Keys To Successful Parenting

Hundreds of books have been written about how to best parent your children. The ones I have read had some really good ideas.

But I'm the kind of guy who likes to boil things down to the basics. I love a good bullet point! Through many years of working with families some of the essential  components of good parenting have come to the surface over and over.

If I could advise parents I would recommend they put maximum effort into the following five areas: 

     1.  Pursue a healthy relationship with your spouse by making a firm commitment to your marriage. 

 
When parents don't get along with each other it creates havoc for the children. Divorce is tough on kids and so is having parents who fuss and fight a lot. Even worse than the arguing is the nonverbal pouting, sulking and seething. I'm amazed at how many parents I meet who seem to have given up on working together as partners. Our kids pay the price.

I'm not saying it's easy, but if you want to raise emotionally healthy kids get busy making your marriage work. Remember, your kids won't be better off if you split up. They'll be better off if they see you prioritizing your marriage and learning to give unconditional love and respect to your spouse.

I'm already divorced. Don't let yourself be paralyzed by regrets from your past. As a Christian who believes in a forgiving and merciful God I can always move forward from past failures. Don't let your past define you. Move on with a renewed commitment to do things God's way.

If your spouse is still in the picture don't let your personal animosity control your decisions in regard to the kids. I have seen divorced couples work together for the best interest of their children and this greatly reduces the negative impact of the split.

I'm a single parent. I always tell single parents not to rush back into marriage thinking that will make everything okay. It doesn't always turn out that way. I've seen families devastated by desperate moms who feel they can't function without a husband.

Before you decide to remarry you should resolve to take personal responsibility for your family starting right now. If you take it one day at a time you can find the strength and resources to parent your children. 

My marriage is in crisis. It's very important that you don't see yourself as having to figure everything out by yourself. You have options. You can get counseling from a professional or from a Pastor. Even opening up to a mature person whom you trust may lead to getting the direction you need to improve your marriage. My point is, find help. Don't let guilt and shame push you into isolation.

 My wife would agree when I say that we have had plenty of rough spots in our marriage. I have said, only half jokingly, "We have never threatened each other with divorce but we have threatened each other with murder".

We are together after 27 years because we keep working at it and because we understand the importance of keeping our promises to each other. The wreckage a split would leave behind is not acceptable to us. Our vows were made in the presence of a God who always keeps His promises. As much as possible we want to be like Him! 

     2.  Provide your children with tender touch.

Some parents do this naturally but for some it takes a special effort. If you grew up in a home where verbal praise, hugs and other forms of affirmation were absent you may have some difficulty in this area. It's a challenge to give to others what you did not receive.

The good news is, whether you feel like it or not, you can choose to give your kids what they need. Are you paying attention to your kids? Don't let the TV, hobbies or video games take priority over your connection with your children.

Your children may not be able to express it in words but they intuitively know where they stand in regard to your priorities. You want them to see you "pursuing" a close relationship with them.

•  Let each of them know how they are special. 
• Give each a little eye to eye time everyday.
• Show appreciation of good behavior so it's not all about correction.
• Talk to them about things they are interested in.
• Share your heart with them.
• Plan family memories.
• Celebrate birthdays and other special days with enthusiasm.

I'm not talking about a huge time commitment with these points. Just a little positive attention everyday can make a big difference. 

Can tender touch be overdone? Yes! This comes with a warning. I have seen moms who were emotionally enmeshed with their children in a very unhealthy way. If you are getting your own emotional needs  met by smothering your kids with physical affection you need to get help. Find someone to counsel you about your emotional security issues.

One more warning. You don't want your kids to think you only love and accept them when they perform well. Let them know you appreciate their efforts even when they may not meet your personal expectations. Children with perfectionist parents often develop defense mechanisms that result in a rebellious attitude or low performance.

I didn't grow up in what I would consider an affectionate family. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely thankful for my parents but I doubt either of them received much tender touch when they were little. I wanted to break that cycle.  I'm not perfect in this area but I believe I have passed something different to my five children. You can too!
  

     3. Set the firm limits your child needs. 

By definition children are inexperienced, immature and to some degree, dependent on their parents. That means we as parents must be careful to set appropriate limits for our kids at the various stages of development.

In our modern American culture we have become extremely passive about the limits we set. I see kids pushing there way around the family as though they are in charge.  Preteens and young teens are diving into behaviors they are too immature to handle responsibly.

My questions are: Where are the parents?  Whose in charge? Does anyone care enough to say no? Have we lost the will to fight for our kids?

It seems to me that parents used to be a lot more comfortable with the idea of setting boundaries and enforcing them. We need to set aside our fears and be determined to look out for the best interest of our children.

 If you saw your toddler running toward a busy highway you wouldn't just sit there. Even if it meant tackling them and inflicting some serious scrapes, bumps and bruises you would do everything possible to keep them out of harms way. We need that same attitude about other dangerous paths that our children try to take.

 The most dangerous path that a kid can go down is the path of disobedience. If Johnny won't listen to you he's most likely headed for big trouble in life. So that's one of our first jobs as parents. We've got to teach those little hard headed, whipper snappers to listen. This job won't get easier so start bending their will while they are little.

Some keys to firm limits:

• Be together with your spouse about what the limits are and what the consequences for disobedience will be. Just taking time to discuss these issues with your spouse can strengthen your marriage!
• Be quick to support your spouse when there is a discipline issue. If you disagree with your spouse about how they are handling a situation support their intentions anyway. Get together later, away from the kids, to discuss your differences and come to agreement. Remember, you're on the same team. Don't undermine each other.
• Never punish a child for something that is not disobedience. Kids mess up just because they are kids.
• Most kids don't respond all that favorably to punishment so try to avoid the role of "punisher".
• Look for natural consequences that will make perfect sense to the child. (You misused your phone privileges so you lose your phone for a week.)
• Avoid lecturing and arguing. Taking appropriate action with little talk is always better.
• Talk to your child, from time to time, without lecturing about the kind of relationship you want to have with him/her.
• Be consistent. Being firm with limits is not something you can do only when you feel like like it. Probably the biggest barrier to setting firm limits is good old fashioned laziness.

"But Tim, I'm a single mom. Can I make this work for me?" Yes! The single parents I know who are successful with parenting found a way to set firm limits for their kids.

Some of them just had that "don't mess with me man" kind of attitude. Some of them didn't like the whole discipline thing but they did it because no one else was going to do it for them. Some found help from extended family members or others outside the family.

Can firm limits be carried to far? Of course. The best way to keep things in perspective is to ask yourself these two questions.

"Am I setting and enforcing this limit for the best interest of my child?"
"Am I acting with self control?"

Enforcing boundaries with your kids is usually unpleasant work. If you have anger issues you will need to be very careful about how you do this. Honestly, I'm naturally too selfish to want to deal with the hassle. But I have experienced a Heavenly Father who goes to a lot of trouble to steer me in a good direction. I don't want to give my children anything less.

    4. Teach your children personal responsibility.

 I think we all agree that our main goal in parenting is to produce confident, competent and caring adults. And...we want to get the job done before they're twenty five. The only way this can happen is if our kids learn personal responsibility.

When you have a little baby to care for the personal responsibility is all yours. That baby cannot meet a single need on it's own. As your child develops he should gradually be learning things that make him more responsible for his own well being. Much of what is learned by young kids is simply by observing and imitating their parents.

A wise parent however, will pay careful attention to how their offspring are developing in this area. I fear that many of us neglect to train our children in this area. It's tempting to think they will learn everything they need at school. So, whose job is it to teach your children responsibility?

If your child ends up going away to college before learning valuable life skills you may end up wishing you had gone to more trouble while he was younger. Without a foundation of personal responsibility many young people fall into hurtful lifestyles. Johnny may end up back on your doorstep unable to cope with life in the real world.

So, what should we be teaching our kids? Here's a partial list of life skills you should consider. They won't learn these at school.

•  Household chores of all types. These are important since they help your child take responsibility for the family environment. When he has his own family he'll be ready.
•  Setting "big picture" goals and developing strategies to reach them. "Where do you want to be in 5 years?" If you've ever met a young person who does this you remember how impressed you were.
• Conflict resolution. I don't know many adults who do this well. We should all learn this skill and teach it to our children.
• How to handle social interactions of all kinds. Start early and it won't be as difficult.
• How to handle failure in a constructive way. People who can learn from failure usually become the most successful. 
• The ability to complete tasks and have a good work ethic. This will put your child ahead of others in the job market.
• How to be a good marriage partner. 
• In Christian homes the kids should be taught to put their relationship with Jesus at the top of their priority list.

As you can see, these are life skills that will help your kids become responsible adults. This area will require a bit more of a time commitment then the other two. The investment will be worth it! 

     5.  Balance the last three points so you are giving equal emphasis to each of these areas. 

"Okay Tim, what are you talking about?"

Our three points are:

1. Providing tender touch
2. Setting firm limits
3. Teaching personal responsibility

Here's the deal. If you emphasize any one or two of these points more than any other, your parenting will be out of balance. Like a three legged stool it just doesn't work unless all three things are of equal length.

Think about it. Haven't you met the parent who gave plenty of tender touch but was lousy with firm limits or weak with expecting personal responsibility? What happens to the kids? Even with all that affection they usually end up disrespecting the parents.

What about the parent who is Mr. Drill Sargent. He demands compliance but doesn't give the kids the tender touch they need. The kids usually rebel against such authority because the tender touch aspect is missing.

What about the parents who fail to expect personal responsibility from their children. It doesn't matter how much tender touch you provide or how firm you are with limits. If you haven't required the kids to take responsibility for themselves they end up being somewhat dysfunctional.

If you can figure out how to balance your parenting in the areas of tender touch, firm limits and personal responsibility your children will feel loved by you in a most secure way. Many dysfunctions in families and in children result from a lack of balance in parenting.

So what is your style? How is your balance? We all have our own unique tendencies.

Contact Tim and he will email you a copy of a survey to help you identify important characteristics of your parenting.  tim@spoutsprings.org