Setting Firm Limits For Your Kids

 Should we expect them to obey?

If you ever want to stir up an argument just get a few parents in one room and bring up the topic of discipline or strictness. You are likely to hear vastly different opinions. I'm not talking about weakly held opinions. You may see some lips curling and nostrils flaring. (If a fist fight breaks out call 911!)

Some take the side of strictness and believe in exerting lots of control over their kids. Others, think their children should make their own choices and obedience is not really mandatory.

Most of us have questioned..."Am I being too strict with my kids?" or..."Am I being too permissive?"
Let me start by saying...

I have no doubt that our modern American culture has leaned too far in the direction of permissiveness.

 Parents often feel guilty if they try setting firm limits for their children. We are expected to always "be nice" to our kids. "Don't get angry"...Don't yell"...and for goodness sake "Don't spank."

There are a small percentage out there who are overly strict and controlling. Honestly, I haven't met many in this category. I have met far more whose parenting is overly passive.

 

So...what is Setting Firm Limits all about?

Setting firm limits is helping your children understand there are certain boundaries that are not optional. In the same way that guard rails on a highway help keep cars in a safer zone of operation firm limits help keep your children from drifting into areas that could wreak their lives.

Many parents build a fence around their yard or play area for their kids. The fence creates a safer living space than the rest of the neighborhood. Parents should learn to use firm limits to create a safety zone for their offspring.

So lets think of firm limits as a fence. There are two main considerations. First, what will you keep outside the enclosure? Second, how strong will your fence be?

 

What should be outside the enclosure?

 

Mom's and dads need to discuss issues which they consider important to the well being of their children's future. What "bad" paths do you want your children to avoid?

I have five beautiful daughters. We live in a culture that prizes beauty and gives special favor to those who possess it. But physical beauty has many pitfalls. My wife and I set a few firm limits about clothing and modesty. We considered burkas but didn't go that far.

As a parent have you given thought to things that you want to protect your children from?

God's number one command to children is "Obey your parents...". Children who obey their parents are safer and more successful in life than those who are disobedient.

The path of disobedience leads a child down a difficult and dangerous path. Have you made obedience a firm limit for your kids? "No" means "No" is a good place to start.

How strong is your fence?

 

No matter what dangers you try to help your children avoid, if your fence isn't strong enough you won't be able to protect them. Some children are very compliant but some will hammer away at the fence until they can get to the supposed freedom outside your fence.

 Consider the following questions:

•  Have you explained the importance of obedience to your kids?
• Do you require them to obey the first time?
• Do you have a plan for consequences if your child persists in disobedience?
• Are you and your spouse "together" on the expectation for obedience?
• Do you and your spouse support each other when your children disobey?
• Do you give in to your kids because it's too hard to get them to obey?
• Do you allow your child to manipulate you with temper tantrums?

It takes a lot of determination for Mom's and Dad's to set strong limits for their children. Getting started early is crucial. If your toddler is out of control what do you think the teen years are likely to hold? Start bending that little sapling while it is small. When the tree has grown bigger it will be almost impossible to bend in the direction you want.

 Don't forget to balance your parenting.

 

Setting firm limits is just one aspect of good parenting. Don't forget to balance it with providing tender touch and teaching personal responsibility. Kids don't respond appropriately to firm limits if the other aspects are not equally emphasized.

Right now some of you are probably wondering about spanking. I'll talk about that in my next article. Dr. Phil says no. I only partly agree. 

Providing The Tender Touch Your Children Need

Those of you who are familiar with my ramblings know that I promote a balanced approach to parenting that includes three main areas. Setting Firm Limits - Providing Tender Touch - Teaching Personal Responsibility.

So far I have focused on Setting Firm Limits. Now I'm going to address the crucial task of Providing Tender Touch.

For some of you (mostly dads) just the mention of "tender touch" produces a slight cringe. I can relate.

I'm fifty five years old and I still remember, as a young child, the first time I saw a father kiss his son on the face. This just wasn't done in my family and all I could think was, "How weird!" It shouldn't have seemed like a strange thing to me but it did because it was outside the context of my experience.

Many of our parenting tendencies spring from our experiences and how we were parented. Some of us have to make an effort to show affection to our kids because we did not experience it as children. For other parents it's perfectly natural.

This topic does come with a warning. I have met parents who smother their children with "unnatural" or "inappropriate" affection. These parents are usually struggling emotionally and are trying to get their own needs met. 

This can be damaging to the children and it warps the child-parent relationship. It's important that displays of affection be age appropriate and have healthy limits of duration.

Keep in mind that physical affection is only one small part of Providing Tender Touch.

So...do you provide the tender touch your children need?

Don't agonize over how you were raised or spend a lot of time trying to figure out why you are the way you are. The main thing to consider is this; "Am I willing to give my kids the kindness and encouragement they need to be emotionally healthy?"

What Is Tender Touch?

 

For our purposes as parents, tender touch is:  

The caring expression of our affection and affirmation both physically and verbally to our children.

How Should I Express Tender Touch To My Children?

1. Pursue a close relationship by getting to know them on a deep level

There are lots of daughters and sons who are lonely and depressed because they are emotionally distant from their parents. Find ways to "engage" with your kids. You don't have unlimited opportunities so don't put this off. Many older parents, especially men, have deep regrets about the lack of relationship they shared with their young children. Don't be one of those! 

We as parents need to analyze our priorities and figure out what we may be putting above our children. Sometimes it's big stuff like our work or ministry. Sometimes its little stuff like TV, video games, sports or hobbies. 

Ask yourself: What kind of relationship do I want with my children? Am I willing to invest my time and energy into them?

2. Spend "eye to eye" time with each child everyday 

We live in an age of distractions. We can be sitting in the same room with our children and maybe even have a little conversation with them and still not really make contact with them in a meaningful way.

If you're anything like me you will need to be very deliberate about getting "eye to eye" with your kids and making a connection that says I truly care about you.

 3. Give Your children a daily dose of physical affection

 

 Sometimes you may have to force the issue. One of my daughters started acting like she was allergic to me. I had two choices. I could refrain from physical affection or I could just continue on despite her protest. I continued on even though my reward was usually a grunt or groan of resistance. Over time she seems to be out growing her allergy.

A dad once told me that his son had became resistant to fatherly hugs. At first he thought he should back off. Later he decided to go ahead with daily hugs. His son soon responded by reciprocating and now initiates hugs. It has been a great benefit to their relationship.

In certain blended families step parents may need to be a little more careful. If you haven't been with them since they were babies or if the biological father is still involved you should not expect to get full permission for physical affection. Don't walk on egg shells but keep your demonstrations of affection mild. Quick side squeezes, pats on the back and high fives are usually acceptable to a step child.

4. Build your children's confidence with verbal affirmation

It's so easy to get in a negative rut and only talk to your children about the things they need to improve upon. We dads are especially guilty in this area. We have good intentions. We want our children to be successful so we start looking to critic them. We see ourselves as "fixers".

Here's the deal. When most of what our children hear from us is negative we are eroding their self worth and confidence. Instead of leading them toward success, they may decide they can never be good enough.

More importantly, what kind of relationship does a child have with a parent who they can never please? We all know from personal experience that criticism repels and praise attracts.

We as parents need to commit ourselves to noticing our children's positive characteristics. We need to offer more affirmation than correction. The bible says that all humans are created in the image of God. We should take that into consideration when we talk to our children.

The bible also says that our tongues have great power. We can curse our children by what we say or we can bless them.

A good goal for every parent (and a challenging one) is ten praises for every correction. If it's true that we reap what we sow we will eventually get back what we put into our children. 

5. Plan family memories and fun times

 

This part of family life can be overlooked or underrated. It's unwise to underestimate the value of shared family experiences. I'm talking about activities that we as parents orchestrate for the enjoyment and benefit of our families.

My family has always enjoyed living in the country. We enjoy hiking and exploring the woods. We've taken a few camping trips. Those are some of our best memories.

Campfires have also been a theme for us. I love grilling meat over a wood fire. Dessert is great too. We have kept Nabisco (Graham Crackers), Hershey (Chocolate Bars) and Jet Puff (Marshmallows) in business for the last twenty five years. Smores are a beautiful thing and so is family time around a campfire!

Kids NEED to have fun and they NEED to have adventure. Don't be afraid to include some element of challenge in your experiences. A rainy tent camping trip will have some discomfort but the memories will last a life time.

Find ways to make it happen. When your children have families of their own they will still be telling stories about their childhood experiences.

Why shared family experiences are so important:

 

•  Family members are forced into interaction and teamwork.
• Relationships among family members have a chance to deepen.
• Memories from these experiences will be a bonding agent for your family for many years.
• You can learn things about your kids you could not learn otherwise.
• You will create opportunities for fun.

Parents should make the most of birthdays. This is a good chance to celebrate your child and make them feel special. Party down baby!

Celebrating holidays is another way to add fun and memories to your children's lives. This doesn't happen without effort.

Most families have one holiday that is their big deal. I recommend developing at least one family tradition for every major holiday. We cook a turkey in the ground every Thanksgiving. It's hard work but our kids love getting up in the middle of the night to feed the fire.

They can hardly imagine Thanksgiving without our traditional "turkey-in-the-hole". You can imagine how this is a bonding experience that adds tender touch to their family experience.

In Conclusion:

Providing Tender touch - Setting Firm Limits - Teaching Personal Responsibility are like the three legs of a stool. If the legs are the same length the stool works just fine but if one or two legs are too short or too long you won't be able to sit steady.

Don't give your children an overdose of Tender Touch while neglecting the other areas. Conversely, don't neglect this area while over emphasizing the others. Balance is the key to parenting success.

 

       

Teaching Personal Responsibility To Your Children

How do I help my kids grow into responsible adults?

 

As parents, most of us would agree that raising our children to become mature, responsible, self-directed individuals is a major priority.

When Little Johnny has become "Big John" and is 25 years old, you don't really want him free loading at your house because he still hasn't learned enough personal responsibility to make it in the real world.

Don't get me wrong. There are some legitimate reasons why it could be okay for your adult children to live at home. The thing is, you don't want to be wondering if you have done your part as a parent to prepare them for the rigors and responsibilities of adult life.

You start with a helpless baby for whom you are 100 percent responsible. By the time they're 18 you hope they can leave home and stand on their own two feet. That gives you plenty of time to invest into their training.

Let's begin by considering what we want our finished product to look like.

Marks of a responsible adult

• Self motivated
• Goal and priority driven
• Learns from failures
• Values relationships and treats others with respect
• Can postpone immediate gratification for future success
• Follows appropriate authority
• Dependable worker
• Can accept correction/criticism 
• Able to keep commitments
• Can put the interests of others above own interests
• Knows how to resolve conflict with others
• Self evaluates
• Financially adept

Wow! That's an intimidating list. But don't you want these things for your kids?

So...How do we take our children from helpless infant to personally responsible adult? 

1.  Parents set the example. Much of what our children learn will come from what they see in us. (Things are really getting scary now!) Our children don't reflect all of our characteristics but they do reflect a great deal of them.

Take a personal inventory and discuss with your spouse how each of you are doing in the areas above. Be honest and be quick to make corrections as needed. Remember, "They're watching."

2.  Teach your children to accept responsibility for their actions. I know adults who have never matured to the point where they can "own up" to their own shortcomings. That's not what we should want for our kid's.

Don't be the parent who rushes to the school hell bent on defending their child who just got in trouble for misbehaving. I liked my parents approach. They let me and my siblings know that if we caused any problems at school we were in real trouble when we got home.

Parents can start at a very early age training junior to admit when he is wrong and teaching him to make restitution as needed. If your child learns to say, "I'm sorry, I was wrong", with even a small measure of sincerity, it will be huge for their development toward becoming a responsible adult.

3.  Set high but realistic expectations for your kids. Expectations will, of course, depend on the age and abilities of the child. It's important not to shoot to low.

Some home school moms teach their children the responsibilities associated with family life beginning at an early age. When you see a 9 year old cheerfully and competently assisting mom (or dad) with cooking supper it can be an eye opener!

You can begin establishing expectations for your kids at a very early age.

Ask yourself if you have an appropriate level of expectation for your child in the following areas:

• Personal hygiene
• Cleaning up after himself
• Regular household and lawn chores
• Participation with family projects

I recently talked to a mom who had raised a special needs child. He is now a well adjusted adult even though he has some limitations. She described to me how she didn't like to treat her special needs child much different than her other children. Had she set lower expectations for her son she would have handicapped him more than necessary.

Parents who do a good job in this area don't seem to look at it as a chore. Teaching life skills to their kids is considered an opportunity. They have fun with it while building a close relationship with their children.

It is possible to place unreasonable expectations on your children. This will discourage them and end up making them bitter. Keep your expectations within practical limits.  

4.  Teach your child to value others. Selfishness is one of the biggest enemies we face in life. We all struggle with this nasty affliction. Biblically speaking, it's part of our fallen nature.

You can't spank the selfishness out of a child. Only God has the remedy for his one. Jesus paid a high price to set us free from our bondage to self.

So what can we as parents do for our children in this area? We can instill in them the truth that others have equal value and should be treated so.

This is a huge part of teaching personal responsibility. If our kids think they are the center of the universe they will never relate properly to others. They will not act responsibly when it comes to their relationships.

 I sometimes meet parents who are training their children to be selfish, brats. They don't mean to. They would never say, "I've always wanted a little brat!" But, they turn their children into brats by allowing them to act selfishly and disrespectfully.

A parent who lets their child disregard them is sending some strong messages. "You don't have to value me." "You should demand your own way." "It's okay if you mistreat others."

Ask yourself:

• Have I taught my child to play fair and to share?
• Have I taught my child to speak respectfully to myself and others? 

5.  Require your children to follow through with commitments. This will be a determining factor in how well your child will handle adulthood. There isn't much responsible living outside commitment.

Think of all the things in life that require commitment. Marriage, college, job and financial discipline are some of the biggies. Without the ability to make firm, lasting commitments our children will fall short of success in many areas as adults.

The big question is...How does a parent impart the importance of commitments to their children? Here are three suggestions.

• Starting at a young age help them complete whatever they start. For small children it might be picking up all their toys. Later on, it may be completing the football season even though it's harder than they thought.
• Teach them that completing a difficult commitment is good training for life. Have discussions with them about commitments that will shape their future. If your kids "give up" easily they will be faced with much failure in life. 
• Sometimes your children will make commitments hastily without considering what it will cost them. Part of responsible living is setting priorities and choosing wisely what you will dedicate yourself to. Teach your children to carefully weigh decisions about major commitments.

Teaching your children responsibility will pay big dividends. Big John won't be eating all of your potato chips and hogging the remote control if he has been required to take personal ownership of his life.

Don't forget to balance the three key areas of parenting emphasis. Teaching Personal Responsibility - Providing Tender Touch - Setting Firm Limits.        

To Spank Or Not To Spank?

Spanking has become somewhat of a debate in America. In some parts of the country spanking is regarded as "old fashioned" and "outdated". Here in the south, where I live, it is still mostly accepted as a legitimate form of discipline.

Where do I stand on the spanking debate? I've decided that, clearly, I did not get enough "tail whippings" when I was little. (Just ask my wife.) It wasn't my parents fault. I was a master at flying under the radar. 

When my dad decided to "warm" my "heinie" I got it with a belt. He always made it count. I never walked away saying, "I don't think he's all that serious about this." I walked away knowing that a boundary had been set that I wasn't supposed to cross.

As a side note: Yes, heinie is a real word. Look it up on thesaurus.com for a few laughs.

When my mom decided I needed my bottom smacked she used a wood kitchen spoon. Which was worse, the belt or the spoon, you may ask? I will just say that both were equally effective.

Well, I could just go on forever about the old days but that would be embarrassing.

Questions you may have about spanking.

Should all parents spank their children?

No! There are moms and dads who should not. Certain kinds of problems can make corporal punishment risky. 

For example, if you have anger/rage issues you should find other forms of discipline. Substance abuse is another red flag. If you are impaired by any kind of mind altering medication you need to consider not spanking.

If you cannot measure out physical punishment with self control and a clear head just don't do it. There are other options.

When should I spank?

• When there is willful disobedience.
• When you have been clear that such behavior requires punishment.
• When the child is old enough to understand.
• When it won't embarrass the child in front of others.
• While the child is young and before he is set in his ways.
• As soon as possible after the infraction. (Delays are sometimes unavoidable.)
• When a lesser penalty won't work.
• When you are in control of your own attitude and actions.

 Parents should keep in mind that every child is different. You may have one that is so strong willed that spanking doesn't work. You'll have to find other ways to bend his will. Another child may be so sensitive to your displeasure that it takes only a small scolding to redirect his behavior.

The best age range for spanking is between 1 and 5 years old. If you teach your children at an early age to obey it is better than waiting until they are older and less bendable.

 How should I spank?

Try to avoid using your hands to swat your children. Save those for positive touches.

We have yet to find a better spanking target than the butt cheeks. It's a safe place to apply a little discomfort.

When they are little you should use a light weight and preferably flexible implement such as a fly swatter. All you want is enough "sting" to say, "I mean what I say."

Do not spank repetitively. When parents consistently yell at their kids it soon losses its affect. Physical punishment is the same.

Before you apply physical punishment get down to eye level and briefly explain why it is necessary for you to discipline them. Help them understand that you don't enjoy spanking them. Let them know it is for their training.

Afterwards, take a minute to talk with your child about the kind of relationship you want with them and how they can avoid punishment in the future.

Wrapping Up

 

No form of discipline works if the parents are not supportive of each others efforts. Kids seem to have "radar" when it comes to this point. They just seem to know when their parents are in disagreement. 

One contentious parent can destroy all efforts at raising obedient children. Ask yourself: Am I working together with my spouse in matters of discipline?

 When you take time to be deliberate about your discipline you are communicating some  important messages to your child. 

• I care about my relationship with you.
• I have your best interest in mind.
• We are in this together.
• Learning to obey is crucial.
• You can count on me to guide you in a safe direction.

 As Christians we need to understand that it is not possible to spank the sinful nature out of a child. Only Jesus can take care of that. 

More than anything you can do for your offspring...are you trusting God to work in their lives? Are you praying for them? Are you praying with them?

The Trouble With Santa

What Should I Tell My Kids about Santa Claus?

There has been debate among Christians for a long time about Santa Claus. What should we as parents tell our children about the big, jolly, gift giver from the North Pole?

From when I was a kid, I still remember an interesting exchange that occurred between my parents and a young couple who had recently begun attending our church. I don't know how the issue came to the forefront but I remember the gist of the conversation.

The young couple felt strongly that Christian parents should not teach their children to believe in Santa. They argued that it is lying to convince your children that a make believe Santa is real.

My parents on the other hand, had been raised with the full Santa treatment. I remember my mom saying that she had believed in Santa until she was 18 years old! Wow! Can you say, "gullible"? Anyway, neither of my parents saw any harm in what they experienced and they did not hesitate to propagate the Santa hoax with me and my siblings.

Older siblings who had already learned the truth were expected to keep it hush, hush so the younger ones could enjoy the excitement of Santa visiting with gifts for everyone. For many parents the fun and excitement that believing gives their children outweighs other considerations.

So, which is it? Is it better to let your children enjoy the thrill of gifts left by Santa, though fake. Or, is it best to stick with the facts?

Early in our marriage, my wife and I discussed this issue and came to our own conclusion about what was best. Maybe our idea will work for you as well.

Let me begin by saying that my wife Kayla adores Santa. At this very moment we have a little plastic, solar powered Santa in our dining room window sill. Every morning when the sun comes up he starts doing the hippy, hippy shake. "Rock on dude!" I have a cool Santa hat but that's as far as I go.

We decorate for Christmas with Santa. We play Christmas music about Santa. We even read Santa stories to our our kids when they were little. We had fun with Papa Elf...and still do.

One thing that we have done differently then some parents is that we did not go to great lengths to teach our children that Santa is real. We shared the Santa story as a story and tried not to equate it with reality. Even so, all of our kids say they had a short stage of believing Santa was real.

There are two big reasons why this was our approach.

1.  First of all, we didn't want to send false messages to our impressionable little ones. Think about it, if we teach our children that Santa is real it is only a matter of time until they learn otherwise. The subtle message they have received from us is that mom and dad may or may not be telling the truth when they say, "This is someone you should believe in."

During those same formative years we are teaching our children about Jesus. We are asking them to believe in someone they can't see. We are asking them to believe in someone who lived on earth a couple thousand years ago but who now lives in heaven.

My concern is that we could plant a seed of doubt in our children's minds about Jesus if we give them the full Santa treatment and then say, "Psyche, just kidding".

2.  Secondly, we felt that we could have plenty of fun with Santa without trying to convince our kids that it was a true story. In the same way that children enjoy other make believe stories, like Dr. Seuss, they can enjoy Santa, Rudolph and Frosty.

I recommend reading and enjoying these stories with your children! Let them know they are fun, make believe stories. You can be assured they won't be damaged or disappointed by the truth.

My wife and I have special memories of sitting with our toddlers in our laps, reading great kids stories.

I highly recommend reading to your children starting at a very early age. There are studies to verify that this simple activity helps children become smarter, happier and even more well behaved. It's a great bonding time also!

And, yes Dads...even you can do it! 

Four Ideas For Reducing Conflicts In Your Family

 

Are your kids driving you crazy with bickering and fighting?

First of all...lest you think I have a perfectly peaceful family; you should know that one of my daughters (I have five) unleashed a pot into her sisters face one day. Yes, there was blood!

What can we as parents do to reduce these conflicts? I have some ideas.

1.  Start with you.

Like so many other family issues it's best to look at your own influence first. As a parent you should see yourself as the "tone setter" in your home. This is a good one to pray about. "Lord, help me be a  good example for my children."

Then ask yourself these questions as a self-check concerning how you are handling conflict.
Do I have ongoing conflict with my spouse that needs to get resolved?
Do I lash out when I am faced with a disagreement?
Do I use anger or manipulation to get my way?

Self evaluation takes maturity. Be honest with yourself and with the Lord about the influence you are having on your kids. God never shows us our shortcomings without providing the ability to change. You can pray for God's help with confidence because He loves fixing our hearts. That's what the whole, Jesus dying for our sins, thing is about.

You can also check with your spouse. It's a bold move, but asking your spouse how you are doing with handling conflict can lead to some healthy conversation.

When you are handling conflict in constructive ways you will become the "tone setter" your kids need.

2.  Make your home a more peaceful place.

There are lot's of things you can do to provide a more peaceful environment for your family. Here are three possibilities.

Get everyone in the family to help keep a clean and tidy house. Walking into the house when things are "in order" gives a whole different feeling than when things are a mess. My wife and I have never been very picky about our house. We do however, maintain a reasonable standard of cleanliness and order. It helps create a peaceful tone!

Get your kids to help you plan some fun activities. If the kids help with the planning it will increase their "buy in". Be sure the activities are interactive. You may have to work hard at this in the beginning. Don't give up if the kids start fighting. Let them know you don't  want anyone ruining the fun we planned together.

A little fun is better than no fun so even if you are only partly successful, celebrate it as a win.

 Laughter diffuses a lot of bad feelings so find ways to cheer things up. Use your imagination on this one. Here is a short list.

• Rent a comedy movie.
• There are some great Christian comedians out there. (You can find them online.) Try this sample: Tim Hawkins
• Throw a party. (No specific reason needed.)
• Look at old family photos or videos. (That's always good for a few laughs.)
• Cheer up your house with some seasonal decorations. (I admit this is not my thing but I support my wife all the way.)

Years ago my family was camping at a State Park at the beach. I was reading to the kids from a "Hank the Cow Dog" book. It was late in the evening and we were all laughing hysterically when someone suddenly knocked on the camper door. We had been laughing so loudly that we thought the Park Ranger was there to scold us. Turns out it was just a tornado in the area. We rolled in the awning and kept reading and laughing. Great memory!

Practicing cheerfulness as a daily habit is a great way to reduce friction in the family.

3.  Teach your children to act generously, not selfishly. 

Lets face it, most conflicts start with one or both people wanting their own way. It's good old fashioned selfishness. For the most part our little ones take to selfishness like a pig takes to slop. (We talk like that in West Virginia) That's something you don't have to teach them.

If you can reduce the selfishness you can reduce the conflict.

A wise parent will encourage "sharing" and other forms of generosity. You want your kids to learn early that getting everything they want is unrealistic and selfish. Teach them to consider the feelings of others. Teach them that other people are important too.

Reward your children with praise when they put the interest of a sibling above their own. Make sure your kids notice how much more peaceful things are when they are looking out for each other.

4.  Teach your children to resolve their own conflicts.

As parents, we should use some of our kid's fights as teachable moments.

"But Tim, I don't know many adults who are good at resolving conflicts, let alone children."

You're right! We should start with ourselves. We need to master the art of conflict resolution and then teach our children this crucial life skill.

So what do you do when Grouchy Gary and Jumpy Johnny are going head to head? How do you teach them to work-out a solution?

 You may need to provide a little separation at first. After you get them simmered down try following these guidelines for making peace.

•       Give both children a chance to say what they are upset about.

 Right or wrong, make sure they both get to express their side of the argument. This will give them practice  expressing their emotions appropriately. It will also teach them that it's good to listen to others even when you don't agree with them.

Don't expect perfection. Teach them to communicate in respectful ways. Name calling or degrading the other person should not be tolerated. Strong emotion is acceptable as long as it isn't used as a weapon.

•      Give each child a chance to respond to the others concern.

This may lead back into blaming and arguing. Stick with it. One at a time, keep them focused on addressing the other persons concerns.

 In most conflicts both parties share some of the blame. This is a good time to help your kids understand that whether they bear 10% or 90% of the blame they should take responsibility for their part. 

•   Teach your children the value of saying "I'm sorry" and admitting, "I was wrong."

Someone has said that these are some of the hardest words in the English language. Do your children know how to apologize? Can they admit to being "wrong"?

 Don't force this when there is no feeling behind it. Teach them to be sincere if they use these words.

Every problem doesn't have to be solved "right now". You may need to postpone the conversation and come back to it later. Be sure everyone knows that your expectation is for the conflict to get resolved as soon as possible.

•  Have them make amends if it is necessary.

Sometimes one or both parties may need to fix something they did to offend the other person. For example if Grouchy Gary took Jumpy Johnny's light saber, he will need to return it.

If Johnny punched Gary in the head, he won't be able to take it back but he can apologize.

•  Teach them to forgive and move on without bad feelings.

This is the final stage of conflict resolution.

Jesus talked about forgiving "from the heart". That's what we want our children to learn and practice. Don't tolerate pouting after amends have been made.

 What greater life skill can we give our children than the ability to successfully navigate their differences with others? We can make our families and the world a better place!!!