Providing The Tender Touch Your Children Need

Those of you who are familiar with my ramblings know that I promote a balanced approach to parenting that includes three main areas. Setting Firm Limits - Providing Tender Touch - Teaching Personal Responsibility.

So far I have focused on Setting Firm Limits. Now I'm going to address the crucial task of Providing Tender Touch.

For some of you (mostly dads) just the mention of "tender touch" produces a slight cringe. I can relate.

I'm fifty five years old and I still remember, as a young child, the first time I saw a father kiss his son on the face. This just wasn't done in my family and all I could think was, "How weird!" It shouldn't have seemed like a strange thing to me but it did because it was outside the context of my experience.

Many of our parenting tendencies spring from our experiences and how we were parented. Some of us have to make an effort to show affection to our kids because we did not experience it as children. For other parents it's perfectly natural.

This topic does come with a warning. I have met parents who smother their children with "unnatural" or "inappropriate" affection. These parents are usually struggling emotionally and are trying to get their own needs met. 

This can be damaging to the children and it warps the child-parent relationship. It's important that displays of affection be age appropriate and have healthy limits of duration.

Keep in mind that physical affection is only one small part of Providing Tender Touch.

So...do you provide the tender touch your children need?

Don't agonize over how you were raised or spend a lot of time trying to figure out why you are the way you are. The main thing to consider is this; "Am I willing to give my kids the kindness and encouragement they need to be emotionally healthy?"

What Is Tender Touch?

 

For our purposes as parents, tender touch is:  

The caring expression of our affection and affirmation both physically and verbally to our children.

How Should I Express Tender Touch To My Children?

1. Pursue a close relationship by getting to know them on a deep level

There are lots of daughters and sons who are lonely and depressed because they are emotionally distant from their parents. Find ways to "engage" with your kids. You don't have unlimited opportunities so don't put this off. Many older parents, especially men, have deep regrets about the lack of relationship they shared with their young children. Don't be one of those! 

We as parents need to analyze our priorities and figure out what we may be putting above our children. Sometimes it's big stuff like our work or ministry. Sometimes its little stuff like TV, video games, sports or hobbies. 

Ask yourself: What kind of relationship do I want with my children? Am I willing to invest my time and energy into them?

2. Spend "eye to eye" time with each child everyday 

We live in an age of distractions. We can be sitting in the same room with our children and maybe even have a little conversation with them and still not really make contact with them in a meaningful way.

If you're anything like me you will need to be very deliberate about getting "eye to eye" with your kids and making a connection that says I truly care about you.

 3. Give Your children a daily dose of physical affection

 

 Sometimes you may have to force the issue. One of my daughters started acting like she was allergic to me. I had two choices. I could refrain from physical affection or I could just continue on despite her protest. I continued on even though my reward was usually a grunt or groan of resistance. Over time she seems to be out growing her allergy.

A dad once told me that his son had became resistant to fatherly hugs. At first he thought he should back off. Later he decided to go ahead with daily hugs. His son soon responded by reciprocating and now initiates hugs. It has been a great benefit to their relationship.

In certain blended families step parents may need to be a little more careful. If you haven't been with them since they were babies or if the biological father is still involved you should not expect to get full permission for physical affection. Don't walk on egg shells but keep your demonstrations of affection mild. Quick side squeezes, pats on the back and high fives are usually acceptable to a step child.

4. Build your children's confidence with verbal affirmation

It's so easy to get in a negative rut and only talk to your children about the things they need to improve upon. We dads are especially guilty in this area. We have good intentions. We want our children to be successful so we start looking to critic them. We see ourselves as "fixers".

Here's the deal. When most of what our children hear from us is negative we are eroding their self worth and confidence. Instead of leading them toward success, they may decide they can never be good enough.

More importantly, what kind of relationship does a child have with a parent who they can never please? We all know from personal experience that criticism repels and praise attracts.

We as parents need to commit ourselves to noticing our children's positive characteristics. We need to offer more affirmation than correction. The bible says that all humans are created in the image of God. We should take that into consideration when we talk to our children.

The bible also says that our tongues have great power. We can curse our children by what we say or we can bless them.

A good goal for every parent (and a challenging one) is ten praises for every correction. If it's true that we reap what we sow we will eventually get back what we put into our children. 

5. Plan family memories and fun times

 

This part of family life can be overlooked or underrated. It's unwise to underestimate the value of shared family experiences. I'm talking about activities that we as parents orchestrate for the enjoyment and benefit of our families.

My family has always enjoyed living in the country. We enjoy hiking and exploring the woods. We've taken a few camping trips. Those are some of our best memories.

Campfires have also been a theme for us. I love grilling meat over a wood fire. Dessert is great too. We have kept Nabisco (Graham Crackers), Hershey (Chocolate Bars) and Jet Puff (Marshmallows) in business for the last twenty five years. Smores are a beautiful thing and so is family time around a campfire!

Kids NEED to have fun and they NEED to have adventure. Don't be afraid to include some element of challenge in your experiences. A rainy tent camping trip will have some discomfort but the memories will last a life time.

Find ways to make it happen. When your children have families of their own they will still be telling stories about their childhood experiences.

Why shared family experiences are so important:

 

•  Family members are forced into interaction and teamwork.
• Relationships among family members have a chance to deepen.
• Memories from these experiences will be a bonding agent for your family for many years.
• You can learn things about your kids you could not learn otherwise.
• You will create opportunities for fun.

Parents should make the most of birthdays. This is a good chance to celebrate your child and make them feel special. Party down baby!

Celebrating holidays is another way to add fun and memories to your children's lives. This doesn't happen without effort.

Most families have one holiday that is their big deal. I recommend developing at least one family tradition for every major holiday. We cook a turkey in the ground every Thanksgiving. It's hard work but our kids love getting up in the middle of the night to feed the fire.

They can hardly imagine Thanksgiving without our traditional "turkey-in-the-hole". You can imagine how this is a bonding experience that adds tender touch to their family experience.

In Conclusion:

Providing Tender touch - Setting Firm Limits - Teaching Personal Responsibility are like the three legs of a stool. If the legs are the same length the stool works just fine but if one or two legs are too short or too long you won't be able to sit steady.

Don't give your children an overdose of Tender Touch while neglecting the other areas. Conversely, don't neglect this area while over emphasizing the others. Balance is the key to parenting success.