Teaching Personal Responsibility To Your Children

How do I help my kids grow into responsible adults?

 

As parents, most of us would agree that raising our children to become mature, responsible, self-directed individuals is a major priority.

When Little Johnny has become "Big John" and is 25 years old, you don't really want him free loading at your house because he still hasn't learned enough personal responsibility to make it in the real world.

Don't get me wrong. There are some legitimate reasons why it could be okay for your adult children to live at home. The thing is, you don't want to be wondering if you have done your part as a parent to prepare them for the rigors and responsibilities of adult life.

You start with a helpless baby for whom you are 100 percent responsible. By the time they're 18 you hope they can leave home and stand on their own two feet. That gives you plenty of time to invest into their training.

Let's begin by considering what we want our finished product to look like.

Marks of a responsible adult

• Self motivated
• Goal and priority driven
• Learns from failures
• Values relationships and treats others with respect
• Can postpone immediate gratification for future success
• Follows appropriate authority
• Dependable worker
• Can accept correction/criticism 
• Able to keep commitments
• Can put the interests of others above own interests
• Knows how to resolve conflict with others
• Self evaluates
• Financially adept

Wow! That's an intimidating list. But don't you want these things for your kids?

So...How do we take our children from helpless infant to personally responsible adult? 

1.  Parents set the example. Much of what our children learn will come from what they see in us. (Things are really getting scary now!) Our children don't reflect all of our characteristics but they do reflect a great deal of them.

Take a personal inventory and discuss with your spouse how each of you are doing in the areas above. Be honest and be quick to make corrections as needed. Remember, "They're watching."

2.  Teach your children to accept responsibility for their actions. I know adults who have never matured to the point where they can "own up" to their own shortcomings. That's not what we should want for our kid's.

Don't be the parent who rushes to the school hell bent on defending their child who just got in trouble for misbehaving. I liked my parents approach. They let me and my siblings know that if we caused any problems at school we were in real trouble when we got home.

Parents can start at a very early age training junior to admit when he is wrong and teaching him to make restitution as needed. If your child learns to say, "I'm sorry, I was wrong", with even a small measure of sincerity, it will be huge for their development toward becoming a responsible adult.

3.  Set high but realistic expectations for your kids. Expectations will, of course, depend on the age and abilities of the child. It's important not to shoot to low.

Some home school moms teach their children the responsibilities associated with family life beginning at an early age. When you see a 9 year old cheerfully and competently assisting mom (or dad) with cooking supper it can be an eye opener!

You can begin establishing expectations for your kids at a very early age.

Ask yourself if you have an appropriate level of expectation for your child in the following areas:

• Personal hygiene
• Cleaning up after himself
• Regular household and lawn chores
• Participation with family projects

I recently talked to a mom who had raised a special needs child. He is now a well adjusted adult even though he has some limitations. She described to me how she didn't like to treat her special needs child much different than her other children. Had she set lower expectations for her son she would have handicapped him more than necessary.

Parents who do a good job in this area don't seem to look at it as a chore. Teaching life skills to their kids is considered an opportunity. They have fun with it while building a close relationship with their children.

It is possible to place unreasonable expectations on your children. This will discourage them and end up making them bitter. Keep your expectations within practical limits.  

4.  Teach your child to value others. Selfishness is one of the biggest enemies we face in life. We all struggle with this nasty affliction. Biblically speaking, it's part of our fallen nature.

You can't spank the selfishness out of a child. Only God has the remedy for his one. Jesus paid a high price to set us free from our bondage to self.

So what can we as parents do for our children in this area? We can instill in them the truth that others have equal value and should be treated so.

This is a huge part of teaching personal responsibility. If our kids think they are the center of the universe they will never relate properly to others. They will not act responsibly when it comes to their relationships.

 I sometimes meet parents who are training their children to be selfish, brats. They don't mean to. They would never say, "I've always wanted a little brat!" But, they turn their children into brats by allowing them to act selfishly and disrespectfully.

A parent who lets their child disregard them is sending some strong messages. "You don't have to value me." "You should demand your own way." "It's okay if you mistreat others."

Ask yourself:

• Have I taught my child to play fair and to share?
• Have I taught my child to speak respectfully to myself and others? 

5.  Require your children to follow through with commitments. This will be a determining factor in how well your child will handle adulthood. There isn't much responsible living outside commitment.

Think of all the things in life that require commitment. Marriage, college, job and financial discipline are some of the biggies. Without the ability to make firm, lasting commitments our children will fall short of success in many areas as adults.

The big question is...How does a parent impart the importance of commitments to their children? Here are three suggestions.

• Starting at a young age help them complete whatever they start. For small children it might be picking up all their toys. Later on, it may be completing the football season even though it's harder than they thought.
• Teach them that completing a difficult commitment is good training for life. Have discussions with them about commitments that will shape their future. If your kids "give up" easily they will be faced with much failure in life. 
• Sometimes your children will make commitments hastily without considering what it will cost them. Part of responsible living is setting priorities and choosing wisely what you will dedicate yourself to. Teach your children to carefully weigh decisions about major commitments.

Teaching your children responsibility will pay big dividends. Big John won't be eating all of your potato chips and hogging the remote control if he has been required to take personal ownership of his life.

Don't forget to balance the three key areas of parenting emphasis. Teaching Personal Responsibility - Providing Tender Touch - Setting Firm Limits.